I grew up in a Christian home, and I knew the Bible really well. I knew I should love people, I knew what it meant to be a Christian, and I also knew I was far from actually being a Christian. I went to church, had Christian friends, had a Christian family. On the outside it looked like I was doing fine. I had everything under control. But if people could look inside they would see something completely different. I was deep in sin, lies, hatred, lust, and pride, but of course I had to fit in at church. So I picked up the mask and pretended to be a Christian. I pretended to love people. I pretended to love God. I lived in this facade for several years, "playing church". Raising my hands in worship, bowing my head for prayer, going up for the occasional altar call. I knew how to make my relationship with Jesus look real, but that wasn't enough. I fell into depression and was just moping around, because I wasn't actually being me. My whole life was a bunch of lies. I never was actually saved. The horrible truth of hell being my eternal destination scared me and kept me up at nights, but instead of seeking God's help and asking for salvation, I blamed him for creating hell in the first place. I wanted God to come save me, but I wasn't willing to go to Him. I felt alone. I was scared, sad, bitter, hateful, apathetic and hopeless.
For several years of my life, I had built up so much anger in my heart. I hated pretty much everyone around me. I had become more than just apathetic, I just seemed to hate everything and everyone around me. In the Bible it says that hating your brother is the same as murder. So I had blood on my hands from pretty much most of the people around me. I ended up even hating myself. My anger slowly bottled up until I was just a bomb waiting to explode. I went on some raging moments in my life where I would throw things in my house or yell at people. Thank God it never led physical violence.
Finally, I went to church camp. The preacher speaking at camp was talking about living a lie, and he asked if anyone was tired of living in the house of lies they've built. So that night I went up to the altar. No other ulterior motives, but for the first time I actually wanted to be saved. I wanted to be different. For the first time, I went up and asked God for forgiveness, this time I went up and asked God for forgiveness, this time I actually meant it. I no longer hated people. My anger left me and my heart just broke. I began to cry like I've never cried before. The lies I had told myself seemed to fall and God spoke right to me. I forgave my parents and my friends. I asked for forgiveness in return as well. My life was finally building up toward something great. I finally felt loved. I felt free, I took the mask off once and for all. I let it burn behind me, and I never looked back.